"Ooh, good - Oprah's on!'

Well, it's officially Day 13 of being "between jobs".

One thing I have noticed is that the demographics in the city change drastically during the work day. No matter if I go to CVS, out for lunch, or to the Public Library, the places are teeming with the Senior Citizen Brigade (just try to get a seat at Panera in the mornings...), Soccer Moms with their toddlers, and me. (There is that guy behind the non-fiction section who is there every day looking at anime websites, but we avoid direct eye contact.) I figure that I must be a modern-day Hester Prynne, with a big 'U' - for unemployed - on my forehead as I walk around.

And now I can pay for my purchases with my brand-new Illinois Department of Employment Security Visa debit card. Man, I'd hate to be the person who finds out their benefits have been cut off when their debit card is denied for lack of funds.

On the flip side, this has the side benefit of making us more frugal than ever before. We are using our credit card 'points' to obtain everyday essentials like the ice-cream maker attachment for our Kitchenaid mixer. We also are clipping coupons like crazy - and, for the record, our neighbor's paper had been on their driveway since last week. Once it blew onto our front lawn, we could claim some form of eminent domain or environmental clean-up act, right?

Used to be that the Chicago Tribune classified ads were the gold standard for job listings, but now everything has moved to the internet. Which is mostly good, in that I can look up companies I never new about before and find all the jobs available that I am not remotely qualified for. But, I read recently that one HR manager figures he gets an average of 375 submissions for each job he posts - so, they can afford to be choosy.

Yeah, that's the ticket - the reason he didn't get my award-winning resume is that his mailbox was probably full.

I knew people at a couple of the companies I applied at, so I sent them e-mails asking if they had any inside info that might help me out. However, both of them said that layoffs had just occurred and were most likely coming around again.

Since my wife has a pretty good job (and good benefits), I have even considered working retail at a cool place like the Apple Store or REI. But, I am not sure if I want to work nights or weekends - perhaps my viewpoint will change as the checking account starts to flat-line. Plus, think of all of the cool camping gear and Iphones I can use my employee discount on...

Of course, this whole blog entry has been in jest - I am sure that I will find a good job from all of my diligent searching.

Just make sure that when you drive up, talk loudly into the speaker - otherwise, I might forget the fries or hot sauce.

"Workin' nine to five to find a job..."

I'm back on the dole.

But, it's okay. Sometimes, the grass isn't greener after all, and it is best to go in your separate ways. My work does not define who I am - my wife does (Thank you, I will be here all week - remember to tip your waitress).

Today, I went to the unemployment office to sign up for my benefits - that is one tough place for the soul. Looking around, there was a palpable sense of sadness, frustration, and impatience. A well-dressed woman that sat across from me looked like she would burst into tears at any second - she just stared into space until she was called. Quite a few people came in that were not native English speakers - I'm not quite sure they entirely grasped what was going on. One unfortunate Asian couple came from Elgin (?!) for some reason and could not understand that there was an office in Elgin and they had to go there instead. Others came in complaining about not getting their benefits for some legalese reasoning - you could just tell they desperately needed this money to keep going day-to-day.

On the (very small) bright side, one nice and simple touch was that we were given restaurant-style buzzers to mark our place in the queue, instead of a deli-style paper stub with a number on it. That way, we could immerse ourselves in a book or Sudoku puzzle instead of constantly checking the overhead display like a DMV Keno game.

I have to give the workers credit - unlike the DMV or Social Security office (yeah, I've been there, too - don't ask...), they greeted everyone with a genuine smile and greeting. I can't imagine how it must be to work there - meeting applicants who all feel like they have been knocked down a few rungs and are probably bitter and frustrated to even be at the unemployment office. No matter what they call it to make it sound more palatable - "Illinois Department of Employment Services" - it still means you are out of a job, and most probably against your will.

Now I am slowly getting back out there: networking, checking job websites, tailoring cover letters and resumes, etc. It's a little embarrassing to tell people I'm out of work - after all, it was only a short while ago when I announced I had a great new job lined up. But, I guess with this economy, it is not uncommon. Companies need more than ever to be nimble and lean to stay in the black. I am not remorseful, however, that I jumped at the chance. Sometimes, you have to break out of your comfort zone and go after your dreams.

I've got to develop a routine - make it my daily job to find a job. Going to the library will help - leaving the house will help me stay focused and on some sort of a schedule. They have free Wi-Fi, so I won't catch H1N1 from the shared computer keyboards, and there is even a coffee shop there.

But don't worry about me, I have a Plan B.

If nothing turns up by November or so, I will create the "Find Greg a Job 5K Run and Walk" or perhaps the ever-popular "Help Me Pay the Mortgage Spaghetti Dinner and Silent Auction"...

Everything I Learned, I Learned From Cable

I will come right out and admit it: we are too cheap (no, make that 'frugal' - sounds better in this economy) to pay for cable. We instead subscribe to 'antenna service', which consists of the broadcast channels (CBS, ABC, Fox, etc.), for a fraction of the cost of the lowest, 60+ channel Digital Cable package.

This, however, carries the unfortunate social stigma of not being up on the latest water cooler or talk radio chatter. "Sopranos"? "The Shield"? "The Dog Whisperer"? Never have seen an episode of any of those shows. All I can contribute is who got kicked off "Big Brother" or a fun story about someone scoring an unexpected windfall on "Antique Roadshow".

So, whenever we go on vacation, an eagerly-anticipated aspect is the chance to check out the latest shows on cable. For example, I finally caught one episode of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" - but those two people were so uninteresting and sullen that I can't figure out what the all the hullabaloo is about. Dude's just having a mid-life crisis and she defines 'control-freak', albeit with a bad hairdo.

I also saw a show on the History Channel (go figure) about how they create lunch meat. That's right - except for pastrami for the famous New York deli's, virtually every other lunch meat is pureed, mixed, and molded to within an inch of not being considered food anymore. I have not been to Subway since, and don't even mention the words 'head cheese' to me...urp...

But the one that got me really thinking was another History Channel show debating whether we really landed on the moon in 1969. Now, I do not consider myself to be either a crackpot or a conspiracy theorist. I don't believe the world will end in 2012 (sorry, Joe P.), I doubt actual alien saucers are in the middle of the Nevada desert, and that most definitely was not Elvis buying peanut butter and bananas at the Lake Zurich Dominick's yesterday. Yet, we have never gone back to the moon, have no plans to go there for a long while, and those astronauts have kept a really low profile ever since. Add in the fact that NASA just recently announced it 'lost' or 'accidentally erased' their own footage of the moon landing...I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

(Oops...have to go - the Wife wants to catch the last epsiode of "Ice Road Truckers" on Hulu...)

Is it Bears season yet?

(To quote Ron Santo) "Geez".

Phillies 12, Cubs 5.

It is no longer a let-down to me when the Cubs lose, it is rather a foregone conclusion. No matter the score, no matter who is pitching - there is always a chance they can, and probably will, lose the game. It actually makes it easy to exist from day to day as a Cubs fan - I blissfully ignore watching the games on TV, keep the radio channel tuned to Roe Conn, and if they do actually win, it is as mildly pleasant as finding that last pair of clean underwear in the back corner of my dresser.

Thanks to Bozo the Clown, growing up in the northern suburbs, and the concept of the "intervention" not existing back then, I was doomed to be a Cubs fan at an early age. I can remember countless summer days spent listening to Harry Caray welcoming the Schultz Family from Des Moines, and spelling players' names backwards when the action was a little dull. (I would have loved to hear him try and spell "Pierzynski" or "Fukudome" backwards...)

I still do not know why I have not changed allegiances after all these years, or just given up on baseball entirely - maybe it is somehow my version of Schadenfreude (the German concept of taking pleasure in someone else's miseries so you feel better about your life).

The most notable events in White Sox history? Winning the World Series and Mark Buehrle's perfect game - fun and exciting memories that my wife (a South Side Sox fan) mentions all the time. So what can I, as a Cub fan, counter with? The Billy Goat Curse, the Bartman Incident, and Marla Collins (the ball girl who infamously posed for Playboy...and I was too young to buy the magazine at the time...). And for those who do not believe in curses - we had a pitcher this year try to jump over a dugout fence to celebrate a win, but he fell instead and broke his big toe. That is so Cubs.

I even just went to close the back door and I came face to face with a skunk. But he didn't spray me - he knew I was a Cubs fan, and that would just be rubbing it in.

How Much is that Fridge in the Window?

Here is a free, timely Public Service Announcement from me to you (along with: always tip your cabdriver, never criticize Harry Potter or Nigel Barker, and remember to tell your significant other about the phone messages you played back sometime last week) -

The second you even think about purchasing a house, start putting some money on the side each month for a Appliance Replacement Fund (ARF). You may have to cash out that secret Fun Money checking account or sell your beloved Star Wars figures (Darth Vader with a 'double-retractable' lightsaber goes for over $7,000 - who knew?), but you'll thank me eventually. No one ever told me that once we finally signed the last page of our mortgage that the clock started ticking on our dishwasher, clothes dryer, refrigerator...basically, anything that costs over $500 in our home.

Perhaps I was really oblivious as a kid, but I never saw my parents go out and buy any home appliances. Maybe they just tricked me by buying the same color each time, but I just thought they lasted forever. Now, I know that forever actually lasts approximately 10-12 years, depending on care and maintenance. (Check this out - and you'll be having your last Starbucks today...)

Tonight, we went to our local department store and started checking out the refrigerators. I counted literally over 50 different models - all with different configurations of open door alarms, ice-dispensers, and full extension drawers for your fruit platters - errmm, leftover pizza. Throw in the options of French doors and bottom freezers, and you'll run to your local car dealer for a little relief.

They are sneaky buggers, these appliance salesmen - they hook up the most expensive ones so that when you open the door, the lights turn on. And it's not just a single 40-watt-er in the corner, either - we're talking Tron-like 'theater lighting' throughout the entire fridge. Couple that with what I swear is the refrigerator equivalent of 'the new car smell', and, well, I'm pulling out my wallet even before we open the freezer with the Acceler-Ice feature and the Dual Magna Seal Gasket System.

Thank goodness our favorite salesman (clothes dryer, stove delivered the day before we hosted Thanksgiving) was not there tonight. That will buy us a few extra days to figure out just which of our body parts is rather unnecessary and/or redundant - I knew that setting up that Seller's Account on Ebay would come in useful one of these days...

The Rise and Fall of the Postal Empire

(Maybe a cute picture of a puppy might make this blog more popular...)

The news this week that the US Postal Service is 'studying' whether to shut down a few hundred post office locations is both a little sad and, at the same time, totally predictable. This is on top of the rumors that they will cut back to only delivering mail five days a week and the steadily-increasing price of the much-maligned postage stamp.

Well, one big reason why I don't like to mail things is that I never know how much it really costs. In the past, I would put on whatever 35-to-40-something-cent stamp I had lying around, jam on a bunch of 1-cent stamps, and hope that the bill did not come back 'Return to Sender'. Now, I sign up for every automatic payment service available, buy books of Forever stamps for cheaper at Costco (and how that is legal, I don't know, but I will gladly look past it), and try to buy all my presents online so they can be shipped directly to the recipients.

Wrapping paper and greeting cards are way overrated.

Have you actually been to the post office recently? You can choose from a semantic smorgasbord of: express mail, first-class delivery, priority delivery, delivery confirmation... It's like at McDonald's - the menu choices never change, but I always get more confused than I should be by looking at them. I usually end up by slamming down the letter and stating 'Just get it there as fast as possible without me having to make any extra effort than I already have to even be here'. (There must be a key on the post office registers marked "Suck-ah!" just for me.)

In a highly unscientific, but easy-to-conduct, poll (the black plastic mailbox in front of our house), I would estimate that easily 65%-70% of our incoming mail consists of unsolicited and unwanted ads, flyers, and catalogs. (This is why the task of emptying the mailbox is followed directly by a trip to the recycle bin.) I've got to believe that these catalog companies either have absolutely no clue as to who buys their products, or they are really, really desperate to make a sale. For example, I have not bought anything from any catalog in a few years - yet so far this week, Sports Authority, Williams-Sonoma, Crate & Barrel, Design Toscano, The Container Store, Oriental Trading Company, Chiasso, and Flor all hoped that with this mailing, I would break the streak.

Now, this high percentage of junk mail also speaks to the fact that I don't receive many actual personal letters because I, in fact, don't send out any letters myself. Some of the many reasons are: I really don't do anything that interesting I feel anyone wants to read about; if something magical does happen, I can send e-mails that will be received immediately (if less than enthusiastically); and, quite frankly, my hand starts cramping up if I write anything longer than my signature. I think the art of letter-writing is definitely on the decline, thanks to Twitter, e-mail, and far too many people (like me) in the Information Technology field. I know that there are shops like Papyrus that must do well enough to stay in business, but I suspect people are buying lovey-dovey greeting cards or Kindergarten graduation party invitations instead of blank stationary.

Lest you think I am too overboard in this posting, I am only merely suggesting a more critical-thinking approach on how you send your mail - not an outright boycott. I remember what happened to Kramer on the "Seinfeld" show...

If you know not of Harry Potter, save yourself the trouble and skip this...

Some thoughts on the 'Harry Potter' series of movies, which I am being forced to endure a second time:

(Evidently, it was not enough for my Significant Other to watch the movies in order before the most recent theatrical release, but now, she is watching them again apparently to revel in the afterglow.  Except, when I ask her if that is indeed the case, she quickly hushes me and turns up the volume.)

- A not-insignificant number of things seem very similar between "Harry Potter" and the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy: Dobby is Gollum-Lite - down to referring to himself in the third-person, the Dementor is an exact carbon-copy of the Wraith, and more than a few comparisons can be drawn between Dumbledore and Gandalf (watch the trailer for the most recent movie and you will see what I mean).  

I have never read any interviews with the author, but I would be very interested to see if she mentions the influence of Tolkein's works.  I'll bet on 'not so much'.

- Jake Lloyd (Anakin Skywalker in "The Phantom Menace") and the kid who played "Half Pint" in the second "Indiana Jones"movie are now out of the running for the title of Worst Child Actor Ever.  

As far as I can tell, any improvement in Daniel Radcliffe's acting ability appears to be how much higher his eye-brows can arch to simulate being surprised (or happy, or scared - I really cannot tell the difference).  I had better acting chops in my fifth-grade production of "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" - and, I even sang.  

Take that, Radcliffe.

- Oh, wait...time for another Quidditch match...

- Lest kids accidentally think they wandered in to "Transformers" or "Pride and Prejudice", the script calls for some cast member to call out "Harry" or "Harry Potter" on an average of every 30 seconds or so.  It may be a somewhat trivial point, but just do the math.

- What appears to be a blatant cash-grab by any actor or actress with an English accent to get in on the "Potter" bandwagon ruins a lot of the characterization for me.  The feat accomplished by the "Lord of the Rings" franchise was to get, by and large, unknown actors and actresses to play the leads.  That some of them became stars in the process was due to how well they fleshed out their characters' motivations and idiosyncracies.  In the snippets of the "Potter" movies I saw, when Alan Rickman appears and basically acts as Alan Rickman - I think "Wow, that is Alan Rickman".  Same for Gary Oldman, Kenneth Branagh, etc. - their star power overwhelms their roles.

- One oft-cited reason for the success of the "Potter" franchise is it gives kids who themselves have been locked up under staircases and had wizards for parents someone they can relate to.  

Um, that sort of mass therapy had been around for decades - and for free - it was called "ABC Afterschool Specials".  (Where do you think I gained my set of impeachable morals and ethics?)

Well, once this movie marathon is over, I think the only logical conclusion is to send her to the "Harry Potter" exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry for the day so I can catch up on the latest "Ghost Whisperer" re-runs.

(Not quite sure the link between the "Potter" movies and the concepts of 'science' and 'industry', but I admit I got choked up at the museum's 'Titanic' exhibit - thinking this part of the deck is where Jack and Rose pledged their undying love to each other...)